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swankyloma
Sep. 6th, 2009
05:47 am - INSOMNIA
Insomnia, my old friend. You're back and I can't say that I am pleased. You are a result of sadness and disappointment. As the smoke fills the air parts of me drift away and the space left behind remains void and dank. When will I learn to register and not turn a blind eye to the tendencies in others and myself to inflict pain? A good friend told me the other day that she felt that she is losing the ability to "connect" to others. At the time, I could only relate to her feelings by prior experiences, but here I am again feeling that way, too. It is a yucky hollow feeling. It likes to stay and expand until everything loses sound and color. It is difficult addressing people eye to eye because it hurts to find "nothing" there. "Nothing" does not smile or laugh. It just stares vacuously beyond my brow into a place that does not really exist. My existence is losing meaning, again.
Last night I took a bath and thought about the meaninglessness of my existence. I thought old thoughts. I wondered about knives in my arms, pills down my throat, and diving off of a building. The chemistry in my brain has shifted for the worse. This is the reason why I can't sleep and drive around town at 4:00 am hoping to find comfort in stop lights and the dark ocean undulating off in the distance.
depressedJun. 30th, 2009
08:23 am - The Wave
It is so close
but only in time
You are on the empty field
of vision
I can't even touch you
Disappointment
This
I knew
was coming
because it comes and goes
no matter how hard
I try
to go with the flow
Your heart
an unreal and cold vessel
for me
the old cycle has returned
the planets
are dancing out of tune
the old hurts
are bubbling to the surface
I want to stop them
but only you can
and you won't
I don't know exactly why
this ignorance won't save me
the words
spoken
aloud
have stopped
the writing has commenced
Are we still "together"?
Are you trying to break free?
Am I?
In my cherished heart
I know what I want
I've always known
I'm waving to you
Do you know what this means?
May. 26th, 2009
10:09 pm - I Hold Them
I hold them in my sleep because that is the only chance I'll get
those wishes
those wants
like a cradle
like a blanket
comforting the world
with love
with kindness
Perhaps my "someday" will never come
Perhaps I won't have the life I wanted afterall
Perhaps
Even in my sleep I know those tiny hands are not real
Even in my sleep I know
Evenso I still coo, hug and whisper "Everything will be alright"
Everything will be alright
I tell myself this
And it will
But I can't lie
I wake up and I feel a little deflated
a little let down
May. 19th, 2009
10:43 pm - Partnership
Partnership is fleeting
It's a warm hand in mine
An "I love you" tossed out like a frisbee
A ring on my finger... the wrong finger
Someone telling me "I know"
It's soft how the words come out and float between us
I watch them hovering like a hummingbird
The colors sped up and mixing
In that moment I want what I don't have
A partnership
A team mate to catch the ball when I can't
To let me shoot and miss a few times
To still adore me despite my clumsiness
but then I remember
Partnership is fleeting
Especially with you
Especially with you
May. 15th, 2009
11:12 pm - Up In Here
I'd like to say I'm perfect
Perfectly happy
At being
Being faithful to joy
I'm not
but I'm trying
Trying really hard
to prevent the unmasking
Unmasking of wounds that still throb
Deep
Deeper still
Sometimes the holes appear
under my toes
the ground is cold and jagged
it makes me feel alive
I start to run
Everything streams together
the speed masks my eyes
I let go
Stopping is what lights my memories
Stopping hurts
My feet throb
my heart pounds
I burrow deep
Deeper still
Apr. 16th, 2009
10:36 pm - Great Loves on My Mind
Great loves on my mind
not in the palm of my hand
no longer mine
Great love here in me
and out of me
to the world
It's fuzzy here
no longer clear
but I'm still warm
In the womb I created for myself
it needs fresh air
but not too much
It gets cold
my feet go numb
I close my eyes
Memories come to me
but not the people
I phone them
They listen
but not with the same ears
They are deaf to me
I hear them
with my heart
my ragtag sensitive soul
They roll out
Leaving again
a space
They chose not to dwell in
It is over and over the same
Great loves on my mind
Apr. 8th, 2009
11:59 pm - The Pendulum Swings
The pendulum swings like the mood swings
Side to side
Sadness to gladness
He votes out of order
A mind muddled with smoke
A liver disintegrating
She weeps over dashed wishes
And misses the point for a moment
Wisdom brings water and release
Guidance brings adventure
Charms beckon from the sky
She will fly soon
Far away where decisions are in sync
She is on the brink
of salvation and revelation
Oct. 16th, 2008
07:35 pm - She Can Fly
She can dance
She can fumble
She can tumble into view
and you
you just stare
and don't say a word
because you'd rather appear aloof
the truth is out there
texting x's and o's
but rarely saying I love you's
tenderness is fleeting
and she keeps repeating the same mistakes
nothing has been learned
She thinks she can fly
She'll prove it to you
in her dreams
when the world seems
to be at her beck and call
the spiders spin their webs around her face
she can't replace the tears that have been caught like dew
as the spiders dance her tears jiggle a few inches before her eyes
they are beautiful and perfect
reflecting colors and not being bothered by the emotions that fostered them
she stops
she remembers
she forgets
the truth is out there
texting x's and o's
but rarely saying I love you's
May. 2nd, 2007
10:23 am - Kick Ass Kale
Kick Ass Kale rocks my socks!
As my health has been on a steady decline I have not given in, rather I am persevering to be healthier by eating the right kinds of foods and sleeping more. My exercising has diminished a bit since being rear-ended last week, but I don't feel too guilty since I am focusing on taking it easy. I need to stress less by giving myself a break every-so-once-in-while. I need to smile and laugh more often. I know that my body is suffering, so I am going to nurture it with love and kindness through kale and kindness. Perhaps I have not loved myself enough, so cancer is trying to move in to remind me of this oversight. I must learn to smile even when it hurts. I must learn to love myself more.
contemplativeApr. 27th, 2007
10:31 am - Talking About It
Sometimes the circumstances I fear most are best faced by talking about them. I am really afraid of having cancer. There was once a time when I wanted to die to end my suffering, but that time has passed and I really want to live a long and healthy life filled with all the good stuff. I still want to marry and have children and grandchildren. I still want to smell the world right after a heavy rain. I want to travel to places that I have never been to and return to the ones I remember fondly. I want to rest my head on my boyfriend's stomach and listen to his symphony of digestion whilst I stare into his eyes. I want to hug my family and tell them that I love them even if they think that my silly "true" stories are something that I dreamt about. I am not a little girl anymore, but I still cry when I am genuinely afraid. I have every right to be afraid of suffering and dying. I have every right, but I can't miss the point of being here. Living should be a gift, not an excuse to worry. Even if I am in pain I am living. If I have to I will fight to keep on living. I will not give up.
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